I ate last night, I ate a lot… I ate a lot of pizza, my vice food, my binge food.
Ah, if only it was that simple. My mother said to me once when I was talking to her about my weight ‘I just stop when I am full’, I looked at her blankly. The difficulty with that statement is I have no idea what being full means.
From what I have read, my perception tells me it mean when ‘happily satisfied’ ie not hungry. However my version of full is painfully stuffed. I eat till I am painfully stuffed and only then do I stop. Stopping when satisfied feels weird and uncomfortable to me.
Bear in mind this is the girl who will eat to the point she feels sick, waits twenty minutes and carries on, it feels like an endurance exercise… do I like it? no, can I stop? no! It seems I have to relearn how to eat, and frankly its terrifying. I don’t know what a portion size is, the whole concept of portions is weird and scary especially as I know plate sizes have grown in the past few years.
Why do I eat:
- To reward myself for having ‘survived a bad day’
- To punish myself for being ‘fat and ugly’
- To comfort myself When feeling low
- To punish myself for not being ‘good enough’
Odd that none of those reasons and statements are about nourishing my body with vitamins and nutrients. I eat because I feel, and because I feel I eat.
For me it is learning to respect and not punish my body, learning that I can stop eating before the uncomfortable stage and that is okay, in fact it is good because I am listening to my body. That throwing unwanted food away is okay, that not clearing my plate is also okay and that I am not being denied anything. These days are becoming more frequent and the painful food days less and less but it is work in progress.