A review… on me…

Today I’m not writing a review, I’ve decided to tell you a story, well not so much story as it is not a work of fiction but about whats been going on for me recently.

So I’ve been away for a while…. more accurately in Hospital, don’t panic nothing serious just a minor back operation but while I’ve been recovering for the past two weeks its given me time to think, Now thinking is either very good for me or very bad… but either way I’ve been assessing my life.

Since being back in London I’ve been on 7 dates… from Dr’s on Harley street to poor musicians I’ve dated them. 4 of those I never saw again, One I still talk to as a friend the other 2? well they are more complex…

One an older man who I saw for a few weeks, then realised that actually he didn’t seem that into me and, well I didn’t seem that into him, so fond farewells were said.

The other, a guy who was very eager happy and chatty however just before the first date told me he had been married before and had two children! talk about trying to get your head around that! but I belive that people make mistakes circumstances change and if you really like someone then things can be adapted, so we went out on a date, fun? yes, chemistry? lots, relaxed and flirtatious certainly… and the next day he wanted to meet up for a drink after work, so I did… and the day after I was near where he was working in London so he asked me to pop by and say hi, so I did and the last day before my operation and his trip home to see family he asked to see me for a drink… and I did. Cue long goodbye by the car… lots of sexually charged tension etc.

And then? well nothing! the day after I had my operation and there was one or two ‘how are you’ in the evening, the next day nothing till 11pm, then the inevitable text…. ‘I’ve been thinking and I really like you but I can’t give you the commitment right now, and I love being with you but I’ve been thinking and I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment’. Your know the story ladies…. you’ve all heard it before….

Of course I was gutted, this was the first guy in a year that I actually had a spark with, than kept asking to see me, that contacted me all the time, that told me how attractive I was, that has his phone out only 48 hours before saying ‘lets book a cottage to go away together for when you’re better’ and ‘all my friends are going away in october I’d love you to come’ and I was the one saying ‘We’ll lets see how it goes’…. I was gutted, then incensed. How dare he do this to me when he led me on and then when I’m at my most vulnerable in hospital do this.

And then… I felt nothing, I informed him that he should really think about his actions before leading kind open-hearted people on and that I wasn’t going to persuade him that I was a good idea because I didn’t need to. I realised that by hanging on to all of this sorrow, anger and hurt, wouldn’t affect him… he would forget about me as quickly as he came onto me and I would be left affected by this all, and quite honestly I don’t deserve to, as it’s not my issue. For once I agreed with his excuses of ‘it’s not you it’s me…’ he was right It wasn’t me it was him.

So instead of being desperate and going on the rebound, or swearing off all men and becoming bitter and twisted, I’m choosing to leave it where it needs to be for now. Bottom of my list. Instead I’m concentrating on getting better, being healthier, allowing my body to recover, focus on why I moved back to London for my health and my career, the things that make me proud of who I am, rather than reliant on someone elses validation. So I can be the best I can be.

You don’t need to persuade someone you are good idea or you are worth it. Be you, Do your own thing and work hard. The right people who belong in your life will come to you and stay.

6

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